Journey to the the Depths

Today's journey took me deep into enemy territory. I encountered child ambushes as the kids fought over toys, space, movies, and snacks. I was sniped at by grumpy, sassy monsters who repelled against any form of correction, redirection, or regulation.

Now, if you're thinking that describing my darling little children as enemies is somehow wrong or indecent, let's have a little vocabulary lesson. According to Merriam-Webster an enemy is one that is antagonistic to another, especially seeking to confound or frustrate an opponent, or can be a hostile force. There are other parts of this definition (like military enemy), but this one seems to be quite on point.

Unlike highly trained soldiers who are primed, coached, and prepared for combat, days like this do not bring out the best in me. After hours of hand-to-hand combat and tense negotiations (actually not...I don't negotiate with terrorists) I am exhausted, frustrated, and angry. I was so rattled and unwound that I couldn't even complete a bedtime routine with my daughter. That seems like so little to ask; a story, a little belly rub, and a "big one" (good night kiss blown across the room) from the door. Yet it was more than I could muster.

As Rex (the dinosaur in Toy Story) says, "Oh great! Now I have guilt! I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have said this, done that, or behaved this way. I should have... well, you get the picture.

So I move from one enemy territory directly into another; from the world of misbehaving, disobedient, disrespectful children to the world of self-doubt and regret...just the gap needed by an enemy who can make use of even the smallest weakness or briefest moment of indecision.

Sitting in my chair at the end of the day I feel defeated, consumed, and depleted. "I'm sorry." seems so insufficient to remedy the day, but that's all I have to give my son as we sneak in a short bedtime snuggle.

So what do I do with this day? Is there anything to salvage from the ruins of this experience?

In Paul's second (or third, depending on your view) letter to the Corinthians he confronts them on issues of their actions. This confrontation results in repentance, but not before the Corinthians felt duly miserable for their behavior to which Paul responds, "...yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret..." (2 Corinthians 7:9-10).

Godly sorrow...no regret. Tomorrow is another day.