Looking Back, Planning Ahead

I can’t believe May is already over. Summer is rapidly approaching and between now and then we have school programs, dance recitals, several “lasts”, probably some “firsts”, and lots of planning. But one cannot look forward into June without first looking back at May, especially this particular May for this particular blogger.

You see, this May represented forty years of life. Forty years of ups, downs, forward strides, and missteps. Forty years of learning, teaching, correcting, and being molded. Forty years of joy, heartache, struggle, and laughter. Forty years…forty years…

Turning forty wasn't so bad. My teeth didn't fall out (that started a couple of months ago when I cracked a tooth and had to get a crown – hopefully my last), my shapely body didn't suddenly turn to mush (that has happened gradually over time), and my children didn't suddenly rise up and call me blessed (okay, so we're still working on that one). The sky didn't fall, the sun didn't explode, and Alpha Centauri didn't go supernova. Creation is fine. The sun is fine. The solar system is fine. And life goes on.

Turning forty does bring to mind many thoughts and reflections; what have I done with my life? What do I want to do in the future? It is a great time to evaluate successes and consider the real impact I hope my life has on others. When my service here is done, what will people remember me for? What do I want to be remembered for? Do I want to be remembered for having a clean house, spotless children, and pretty clothes? Do I want people to say, “Oh, that Erika, she knew how to throw a party.”? Or do I want people to say, “Erika loved God, and I know it because…”, or “My mom prayed for me every day…even when I did something she didn’t like.”?

As time passes by so quickly there is an increasing sense of urgency to achieve the things that are really important. Jumping out of an airplane by the time I turned thirty (missed that one) or scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef (still on the Bucket List) are great adventures to think about, plan, and do. But an adventurous life is only part of the legacy that I hope to leave behind. Only now, at forty, I fully understand all those admonitions received in my youth (share your faith, take care of your body, etc.) and urgency with which they were shared with me. NOW I get it. But telling a fifteen year old that their days are numbered is like telling a shark that he might lose his teeth if he bites that surfer…”So what?”

When I was fourteen I put a lot of power in the opinions of others. Now…not so much. I still care…I like to be liked, needed, appreciated…but now I understand that there is a price for my silence. I don’t want my children to pay that price, or anyone I love. So where do I go from here? What do I want my legacy to be? I guess you’ll have to keep reading.